[NOTE: this post was edited on Sunday 30 October. While it may have been cathartic to write, it wasn't particularly helpful]
I've been writing and re-writing this post for the last two or three weeks.
But even so, this post may disappear fairly soon anyway, because the thoughts that are going through my head are your basic adolescent cry-baby dear-diary bollocks.
I'm in a position where I'm trying to apply for jobs at a point when my confidence and self-belief is on the floor - I am a 43-year-old disabled man of no-fixed career-path.
The thought of having an interview is panic-attack scary but not getting one is devastating. And that's without taking into account the fact that there ain't that much out there.
When I look back on the past nine months, I've really been taken to the edge, mentally and physically. I've felt myself withdraw from friends and family, turning into that classic stereotype of an MS "sufferer", saying "No" to friends or not giving an answer either way until the moment and the offer have passed - so much so that I can't blame them for giving up on inviting me.
Now don't misunderstand me, I have an amazing family support network - my family, my in-laws. The most resilient and endlessly supportive wife I could hope for. The most wonderful, inspiring, brilliant little girl.
For the last 20 years I've been employed, made redundant, self-employed, and then employed again. And now...?
I genuinely have no idea what is going to happen next. And when I'm feeling positive, the fact that SOMETHING is going to happen next is genuinely exciting.
I've been trying to meditate every day (my best run so far is 41 consecutive days and I'm currently on 28). I use the Calm app on my phone, and one meditation involves extending "Loving Kindness" to yourself and others.
Be still, my inner snark.
The first part of this meditation is the following mantra:
"May I be happy, may I be safe, may I be healthy, may I be at peace"
Now I am a cynical miserable sod, but I keep returning to this idea. And it helps, so I'm trying to keep it in my head. I'm trying. But the struggle is real.
And I guess I'm posting all this for purely selfish reasons - to get the thoughts out of my head.
May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be at peace.