the locus of control

My current round of physiotherapy is (I think) my fourth stint. Each time I've been signed off previously, I've been full of good intentions. And I've always ended up back there when my walking has worsened, doing the same (or similar) exercises all over again.

So, as I went to my penultimate session at Neurology Outpatient Therapy Services last week, I was feeling all kinds of separation anxiety.

I ended up talking about this with my Physio, who, because some people aren't quite so keen on sharing every aspect of their life online (weird, I know), I'll call H.R. I'd been feeling pretty low - I'd been ill and although I'd been maintaining my exercises I felt that my walking had gone down the pan.

She listened to my bellyaching and started talking about the Locus of Control:

A person with an internal locus of control believes that he or she can influence events and their outcomes, while someone with an external locus of control blames outside forces for everything. This concept was brought to light in the 1950's by Julian Rotter.
from the Encyclopedia of Psychology

She said that her role as a physio was simply to give me the tools to keep well. It's like when you pass your driving test, you don't need a driving instructor with you all the time, you just need to keep driving. All the progress I'd made over the last months was down to me - it wasn't down to her, I had done all the heavy lifting.

And I guess it's true - although it feels like we've been in the trenches together, in actual fact I've seen her no more than 10 times (my relapse meant there was a hell of a gap in the middle).

After we had talked, I did some exercises and she watched me walking. And she said that I was moving better than I had been at any point since I'd started seeing her.

So this week I have my last session with H.R. And it feels precarious. So I need to remember that I'm the only one who has the ultimate influence on my ability to be well.

This has been the most traumatic summer of my life. And due to how amazingly supportive she has been, our physiotherapy sessions have at times been heavy on the Therapy, light on the Physio.

[interestingly my therapy session this week was more like Careers Advice, but that's another story]

So I have a job to carry on.

But I'm sorry, H.R.

Regardless of what you say, you are an absolute rock star. Thank you.

Much love,


A Grateful Patient

PS I'll always try keep your inspiring words close to my heart:

Shoulders back
Squeeze the tummy muscles
Lift your bottom