Monday, 9 October 2017

well, well, well, you're feeling fine

I am BLOODY LOVING therapy at the moment.

To be honest, last week's session really came along at just the right time. I'd been trapped in a cycle of bad and unhelpful thoughts. And a couple of nights before I'd written the following as a note on my phone. It kind of represents what was going on in my head. It's repeated here, almost exactly as it spewed out:
Applying for jobs
Applying for benefits
Applying for PIP
Worrying about money
Makes health worse
Difficult to prioritise
All are priorities!
Head spinning
Getting one thing out of the way,
Another priority sneaks up

As soon as you think one thing (e.g. Housing Benefit) is sorted, something else (e.g. PIP) rears up. But doing all this stops me engaging with the ESA [i.e. the opportunities that are open to me through my Employment Support Allowance], giving job applications my full attention, doing house work, finding time to do physio and engaging fully with therapy.… which makes me feel worse
So that's where I was at. The bit in the square brackets is the only thing I've added.

Anyway, I gave that lot to my therapist at the start of our session. We talked a lot about how I respond to worries - they tend to be around the big bits (PIP, Housing Benefit, money in general), but I usually just crack on with those when they pop up. However, I DO tend to go at each thing full-pelt, not really prioritising things very well - which is why me head sounds like THAT.

As I've mentioned before, I only tend to lose my shit about little bits and bobs - trying to get The Child ready for school, where my wallet is, etc. She saw this as something to do with my "Intolerance of uncertainty" and need for control.

Next time we'll be talking about a more balanced approach to prioritising - bring that shit on.

I also talked about the fact that frequently, whenever I lose it about any tiny little thing, I have a simultaneous Director's Commentary in my head, saying things like, "wow, that's totally unreasonable of you... yep, you look like a total dick now".

It happened twice that day, once in a heated discussion with Mrs D (she's a very lucky lady, I think we can all agree) and then when I was driving to therapy.

Everyone has that kind of thing in their head, right?

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